should i smile?

i woke up this morning feeling numb. i've write and delete today's post for i don't know how many times. just didn't find the exact words to express how i felt. all feeling mixed up. until one moment i don't know how exactly i felt. need a pillow and shout. and for me, its gonna be a huge pillow. 

have you ever felt like for once, just for once you want to be happy and free and smiling all day long without feeling cautious and guilty? and when one you're happy then all of sudden it won't stay that long. your big day turn out to be your nightmare. sorrow, guilty, regret, anger, remorse, scared, fear. taking all over you. 

its like there something in you that trying to get out and explode and wanna be free but there's a wall that you built yourself that keep pulling it back in. you want to shout and scream and laugh and happy like everyone else but its your fear. scared to whats gonna happen. feeling regret like "what if i don't do this" and "what if i don't do that". will everything ever be the same? will everyone around you will be happy? all you want is feel free and learn to take a risk and by that you gonna know how to make a mistake and learn from it. 

lies. hardest part. especially to someone you love. you don't want to but sometimes you have to. by lying you think you won't lose anything. but in reality, you do lose something. trust. and i hate myself for lying. yeah. i damn hate it. i feel like i want to cry coz i've let everybody down and it does make feel like a jerk. oh my god, i'm sorry!
and when you're feel like you want to be alone and feeling helpless, friends will always be there for you. and im thankful for that. thanks to YN, HN and FA. you guys do make me smiles. thanks and love you guys!

i just want them to understand how i felt and be the person i can hold on to. maybe i'm tooo scared to reveal the truth and my feeling. to fear of what's gonna happen. can they listen to me and tell me that its okay for me to feel this way?
i'm doomed.